There were just-another-days in my life, till I once happened to wake up in the middle of a dark night. As I woke up, the silence around me started to settle within, making its way through the multiple layers of my skin, into my soul. That was the hour when I felt closest to my own self. As the clock tick tock-ed its way to another second, and eventually to another minute, I came to question my existence. This doesn’t usually occur to me, but that was indeed, a different night. This question was standing before me, not ready to end the stare-game. I mustered all my courage, gathered all the strength, and finally faced it. ‘When will you start living? ‘, the question was. I was stunned, more so because such a simple question made my blood run cold.
Then I asked myself –
What on earth am I doing? Where am I heading to? Am I working my ass-off, day in and day out, only to reach a point where death will embrace me, once and for all? I realised that I am existing just for the sake of it. Getting up in the morning, working to the point of exhaustion, and going to bed, only to repeat the monotonous sequence another day. ‘You have got this life only once’,they say. Is that how I am going to make the best out of this chance?
I remember, how as a child I was adamant about going to play outside, everyday, even during my exams. That was something I loved to do, and back then, I did not use to compromise with my joy, even if I had other really important tasks at hand. During my teenage years, I developed a keen interest in painting. I remember how I fought at home to attend the painting class, even when I had pending assignments which were to be submitted the next day. That one hour of painting class gave me the motivation I needed , and I completed the assignment in 3 hours, the same assignment which I was procrastinating from the past 2 months. I never used to miss out on the small things that gave me joy. But as life happened, my priorities changed. I was no longer a child, and with that, no longer a priority for myself. I started living for my family and my work. There’s nothing wrong in that, but for that do I need to be a stranger to the one I see in the mirror? I realised, that I had grown up, in all sense of the word. I now came to know why I was bereft of happiness, all these days. It was because I was perceiving happiness as the outcome of an accomplished task. But this concept makes happiness a mirage; I will not find it when I reach there. I will have to accept it as a journey. I remember the persistence of happiness during my childhood years, that’s because I was living each second of the 24 hours I had at hand. Now, as I live in the past, continuously worrying about the future, my present is slipping out of my grip. As I dared to question myself that fortunate night, I realised that I always had answers lying deep within me, lost somewhere in the clutter of my own thoughts. I finally came to rest myself upon something very uncomplicated.
The worst mistake I was making was to ignore the little beautiful reasons of joy that came my way, every now and then , and to wait for something grand to happen. I need to start making time for myself, and for the things that give me joy. I am here to make a tiny mark on this grand universe, not only to meet deadlines, targets, and make it through cut-offs. They are an essential part of life, but not life. Never again will I have this opportunity, and hence I decided, to live each second as my last, to be lost completely in the present moment. All this while, I was missing out on such a special thing, I was forgetting to LIVE.
There was no dull day in my life, ever again. All thanks to the screeching silence that shook something significant within me.