We have been taught to believe that all good things take time, but do arrive at last. Honestly, I have always been skeptical about this. Why wouldn’t I be? When throughout your life you breathe the intoxic, you find it hard to breathe the innocuous. When you’ve been habituated to the venom in your veins, you find it difficult to accept that there should be blood in them. When you’ve been used to people giving up and walking over you, you find it strange when someone stays. When you’ve been through the darkness of hatred, you find the light of love blinding. But our heart, it never actually ages, like a 4 year old, it adjusts, it accepts, and it forgives. And no, it doesn’t take time. When a speck of good comes to us, at an instance, our heart starts dancing to the rythm, no matter how bruised it may be. It doesn’t always gets in sync with the rationality of our minds. Logics, facts, norms, all the rights and all the wrongs, nothing is an impediment strong enough to cease its jubilant steps. It’ll always be naive enough to fall for the trap; the trap of hope, the trap of expectations. Over and over again, all through your life. All the rationality, all the opinions; no matter how strong, wither. When you may be flawlessly pretending that you’ve embraced the thorns of life, just then, life will throw roses at you to make you realise that good exists and that you too have a share in it. Despite being well aware of the lasting pain that temporary joys bring, our heart takes the plunge. Only in the hope that this may be the last time, may be this time fate will let it last.
There were just-another-days in my life, till I once happened to wake up in the middle of a dark night. As I woke up, the silence around me started to settle within, making its way through the multiple layers of my skin, into my soul. That was the hour when I felt closest to my own self. As the clock tick tock-ed its way to another second, and eventually to another minute, I came to question my existence. This doesn’t usually occur to me, but that was indeed, a different night. This question was standing before me, not ready to end the stare-game. I mustered all my courage, gathered all the strength, and finally faced it. ‘When will you start living? ‘, the question was. I was stunned, more so because such a simple question made my blood run cold.
Then I asked myself –
What on earth am I doing? Where am I heading to? Am I working my ass-off, day in and day out, only to reach a point where death will embrace me, once and for all? I realised that I am existing just for the sake of it. Getting up in the morning, working to the point of exhaustion, and going to bed, only to repeat the monotonous sequence another day. ‘You have got this life only once’,they say. Is that how I am going to make the best out of this chance?
I remember, how as a child I was adamant about going to play outside, everyday, even during my exams. That was something I loved to do, and back then, I did not use to compromise with my joy, even if I had other really important tasks at hand. During my teenage years, I developed a keen interest in painting. I remember how I fought at home to attend the painting class, even when I had pending assignments which were to be submitted the next day. That one hour of painting class gave me the motivation I needed , and I completed the assignment in 3 hours, the same assignment which I was procrastinating from the past 2 months. I never used to miss out on the small things that gave me joy. But as life happened, my priorities changed. I was no longer a child, and with that, no longer a priority for myself. I started living for my family and my work. There’s nothing wrong in that, but for that do I need to be a stranger to the one I see in the mirror? I realised, that I had grown up, in all sense of the word. I now came to know why I was bereft of happiness, all these days. It was because I was perceiving happiness as the outcome of an accomplished task. But this concept makes happiness a mirage; I will not find it when I reach there. I will have to accept it as a journey. I remember the persistence of happiness during my childhood years, that’s because I was living each second of the 24 hours I had at hand. Now, as I live in the past, continuously worrying about the future, my present is slipping out of my grip. As I dared to question myself that fortunate night, I realised that I always had answers lying deep within me, lost somewhere in the clutter of my own thoughts. I finally came to rest myself upon something very uncomplicated.
The worst mistake I was making was to ignore the little beautiful reasons of joy that came my way, every now and then , and to wait for something grand to happen. I need to start making time for myself, and for the things that give me joy. I am here to make a tiny mark on this grand universe, not only to meet deadlines, targets, and make it through cut-offs. They are an essential part of life, but not life. Never again will I have this opportunity, and hence I decided, to live each second as my last, to be lost completely in the present moment. All this while, I was missing out on such a special thing, I was forgetting to LIVE.
There was no dull day in my life, ever again. All thanks to the screeching silence that shook something significant within me.
I am a hopeless, mad girl. Believe me, when I say that. Convinced, already? No?
Is it not mad to love a person so much that it destroys every ounce of your sanity? My senses do not function normally. Why do I say that? Because I have loved a person to an insane point where there was only destruction, waiting to engulf me. His fire of indifference, burned every part of me. I loved the way he consumed me, and cherish myself, because he has been so passionate towards me.
He used to get close to me, hypnotising my soul, and tell me that I was his only one. I know he wasn’t lying. I was truly the only one whom he loved to afflict with excruciating pain. The only one whom he loved to see, begging for few drops of his love. Why would I not love such a loyal man?
I used to draw rebuke from him, each time I told him that I had missed him all day long, and wanted him to talk to me. But it wasn’t his mistake, there’s nothing wrong in not wanting to talk to anyone after an exhausting day, so what, if I just wanted a few minutes, to share his load over a cup of coffee. I understand. Anyway, he always used to make up for that, at night, by proving his manliness in a closed room. Why would I not love such a considerate man?
Each time, when his phone went busy at 11 pm, he used to clarify that it was his boss dictating him some work for the next day. So what, if he told this even on Saturday nights. I believed him, he surely wasn’t lying. Why would I not love such a professional man?
He cannot be blamed for not being there with me when I went through those 3 am-anxiety-attacks. After all, he had duties to fulfill, he was busy in a meeting with a client. Although, I still wonder why those meetings used to take place after midnight, in a hotel room. But he must be having his reasons, afterall work comes prior. Why would I not love such a dedicated man?
I know he wasn’t wrong when he left me. I gave him enough reasons to do so. He told me that my love was suffocating him, he couldn’t take more of it, and that I should understand. I do understand. Why would I not love such a veracious man?
He was epitome of perfection. Maybe it was my mistake, I couldn’t ever love him right.
I hope you all believe me now, I am just a hopeless, mad girl, burning in the never-ending fire of his unearthly love.
© Naina khare.
I do not get convinced easily, and I do not find anything wrong in the fact that it takes something really out of the box to sweep me off my feets. I recently came across one such thing.
I was pretty positive about the movie –Dear zindagi, since the time it was announced. Shahrukh khan being one of the lead characters, acted as icing on the cake.
In India the film released on 25th November, 2016. The film casts Shahrukh khan and Alia bhatt as the main leads. The two actors perfectly fit into the characters of Dr. Jehangir khan and kaira, respectively.
It is a light, positive, soul-searching film. You may or may not love the film, but you will definitely relate to kaira’s character. We all have been in her shoes at some point of time. The film deals with our day-to-day life, and reassures the fact that at times, we are the cause of our own sufferings. Dear zindagi is a common, yet immensely beautiful journey of a girl who is gradually learning to deal with the tantrums that life throws at her. She is frustrated and depressed with her life, like most of us. Eventually, she finds a guide who uncomplicates her life.
5 things Dear zindagi teaches us which we need to instill in our lives-
- Mental illness, of any kind, is not something to be ashamed of. It’s high time that we behaved a little empathetically. Also, understand that people who consult psychiatrist are not necessarily mad.
- It is okay, not to be okay. We need not act fine when we are not. It is necessary to vent out our emotions. There is nothing worse than partially lived moments. Happiness and sadness are phases, we cannot skip any of them. Cry till your tears dry, all by themselves.
- Learn to let go. To live our present, we have to be at peace with our past. Inhale your present, exhale your past.
- There is no such thing as perfect relationship or a perfect person. You’ll run into many temporary people in your life. Having been in more than one failed- relationship, simply means that you are yet to find the love of your life.
- You are stronger than you suppose. Don’t let the patterns of your life control you, break the patterns. Have enough courage to control your life, or else someone will sit on the driving seat and drive your life away.
The beauty of the film lies in its simplicity. If you’re up for some introspection, do watch this unconventional drama.
How about getting drunk tonight,
Till the harsh reality gets out of sight?
As your fingers touch my skin,
I ask myself is this not a sin?
Has a magical spell been cast,
Which is why these moments are passing so fast?
For once, can’t time just cease?
To let your warm breath make my heart freeze.
Can you see these scars, so deep and blue?
Each one of these, waits to be healed by you.
Look here, into my bleeding eyes,
This is the result of me trying to silent my cries.
No, do not break this glance,
I do not know if I’ll ever get a chance.
Let me be lost in this moment with you,
For how I have waited for ages, you do not have a clue.
As the poison plays its role,
Memories of unrequited love flinch my soul.
Before my body turns pale and blue,
Make my last wish come true.
Hold me tight as I breathe my last, Hear me love, for I repeat my words fast.
In all the lives to come,
Except this one where my breaths are drawing a line;
I promise that I’ll be yours, and you’ll be mine.
© Naina khare.
I’m at a point where I’m trying hard, to fool myself and trying hard to pretend. But despite the desperate attempts, I’m failing. I’m failing, over and over again. I’ve succeeded in convincing my friends, and the guy I’m dating. I tell them that your betrayal makes me hate you. But that’s no where near the truth. The truth is that I feel you in the air I breathe. I search you in every man I meet. Some of them have a similar voice, some have similar color of eyes, others have a similar physique and still others have a similar intellect. But….but no one is you. I loved you for everything you were.I loved your softness and your harshness too, I loved the way we cuddled and loved the way you pushed me away. I loved your voice when you said those ‘I love you’s’, and loved it when you shouted too. I loved the way you loved me and loved the way you hated. I loved you and everything about you. I long for everything you were. And I must be sick for having thinking this way, but the more pain you give me, the more attached I feel to you. Because my darling, only you have the power to make me, and to break me. Having been broken gazillion times, by you, for you, I am still perturbed the most, when you’re in pain. My pain doesn’t depresses me, your does. At 2 in the morning, I still lie awake, wondering if you’re fine, and happy. If my absence makes you happy, I swear I will never tread your path. I’m happy with the pain you gave me as long as you’re happy with her. But promise me love, promise me, you’ll always smile the way you did, when we first met. Take care of yourself, and I’ll be fine by myself. I’ll be yours forever, inspite of the fact that you’ll never be mine. That type of love, darling, that type of love. The truth is, I am never going to get over you, not in this life and not in the lives to come, because for me, you and I, were one
( Stream of thoughts, when I see him, with her.)